From: "Keith A. Fredericks" From: Mikael Engebretson

1. "COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
2. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you.
3. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
4. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
5. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
6. "DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
7. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
8. "CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
9. "APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
10. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resume is just a legal formality.
11. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: " You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
12. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
13. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
14. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
15. "I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
16. "I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
17. "MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
18. "I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
19. "I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
20. "I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
21. "I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
22. "I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
23. "I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

From: "Denise L. Gamble" From HAND mailing list:

I'VE LEARNED.......

I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. -- Age 39

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. -- Age 13

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. -- Age 46

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. -- Age 82

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. -- Age 24

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. -- Age 65

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. -- Age 50

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- Age 7

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. -- Age 46

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. -- Age 62

I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. -- Age 73

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. -- Age 64

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. -- Age 29

I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. -- Age 29

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. -- Age 49

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply send them a little card. -- Age 44

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. -- Age 13

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. -- Age 9

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. -- Age 15

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. -- Age 52

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. -- Age 66

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. -- Age 61

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. -- Age 58

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. -- Age 72

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". -- Age 7

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. -- Age 41

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch--holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. -- Age 85

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. -- Age 92