From: ronald.dysvick@sap-ag.de (Ronald Dysvick)

SOME TIME-HONORED TRUTHS:

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

"Take My Word For It"

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test." Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?"

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Mind like a steel trap...Rusty and Illegal in 37 states

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.