While On Safari
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One night, after a long day's trek, deep in the jungle, his wife awoke with a start. Searching the camp she found her mother gone...
Rushing to her husband, she insisted they immediately go out and search for her dear mother.
Reluctantly, the hunter shouldered his carbine, took a swig of brandy, and led the way into the bush to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large lion stood facing her. . . .
The wife cried, "Darling, what are we going to do?"
"Be still..." said the hunter husband. "That lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man.
She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?"
The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall."
How Jesse Became Governor of MN
One day Jesse Ventura came ashore with his Seal Team unit and as he walked down the beach he kicked a bottle that was sticking out of the sand. The cork popped loose, and out came a genie who immediately asked Jesse to make three wishes.
His first was to be a famous star. The genie replied she was a bit rusty right now but would make him well known as an actor.
His second request was to be a great athlete. The genie answered that she would do her best with his physical attributes and make him a well known and successful professional wrestler.
His third request was that he becomes governor of Minnesota. The genie explained that was probably more than she could accomplish as Minnesota was filled with powerful liberal Democrats and their families - the Mondales, the Humphreys, the Andersons, etc. etc. and told him to make another wish.
Jesse then asked that the Vikings be Super Bowl Champions. "What year do you want to be Governor?" replied the genie.