From:    Phil Corless 

"To me, a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules
of the country.  We're all throwing the dice, playing the game,
moving our pieces around the board, but if there is a problem
the lawyer is the only person who has read the inside of the
top of the box."
                      - Jerry Seinfeld


----------------------------------------------------

From: Roberto Alazar

Did you see in the paper that the head of the California Bar Association 
wants crimes motivated by a hatred of lawyers (as was a recent massacre of
lawyers) to be classed as "hate crimes" and given an extra penalty, like 
crimes against (certain) minorities?

Personally (my inactive membership in the California Bar Association 
notwithstanding) I think it should be regarded as a mitigating 
circumstance, sufficient to lighten the penalty.

----------------------------------------------------

     The following are selections from a collectionof Lawyer jokes 
John Stidd:PARC found on the internet.

--------------------------

Item Charge
What it really means)

Lawyer's time (1 hr. Min.)	$400                                           
		you sucker

Connectivity charge	$100                                           
		he called janitor

Staff charges	$250                                           
		secretary prepared bill

Research fees	$422                                           
		BMW payment due

Consulting fees	$431                                           
		Sr. Partner's BMW bill

Specialized equipment	$122                                           
		bought bulb

Delivery expenses	$34                                            
		had messenger deliver it

Rule 453.957(B)(1) charge	$394                                           
		2nd partner Volvo bill


--------------------------

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor.  He asked 
"Give it to me straight.  How long have I got?"  The physician replied 
that he doubted that his patient would survive the night.  The man then 
said "Call for my lawyer."  When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for 
his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood 
on the other.  The man then laid back and closed his eyes.  When he 
remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had 
in mind.  The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side, and 
I thought I'd check out the same way."

--------------------------

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal 
gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.  When a person assists a criminal 
in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a 
defense lawyer.  

--------------------------

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the 
attorney charged her $100..  She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing 
that it was stuck to another $100 bill.  On seeing the two bills 
stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: 
"Do I tell my partner?"  

--------------------------

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness.  
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be 
interested in taking the case.  

--------------------------

Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his 
law school tuition would be any special problem.  He replied that 
he paid it back right after his first case.  When asked how he 
managed that, he said, "Well, my dad sued me for it and won."  

--------------------------

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching 
tour when he came to a small town one cold winter's night.  He entered 
the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town's lawyers 
gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town's business.  
Not one offered to allow Dow into the circle.  Dow told the men who he 
was, and that he had recently had a vision where he had been given a 
tour of Hell, much like the traveler in Dante's Inferno.  When one of 
the lawyers asked him what he had seen, he replied, "Very much what 
I see here:  All of the lawyers, gathered in the hottest place."  

--------------------------

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their 
professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing. 

--------------------------

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered 
a double scotch.  A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his 
pocket and ordered another double.  This routine was followed for some 
time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that 
he's had enough.  The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's 
with the pocket business?"  The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture 
in there.  When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."  

--------------------------

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts.  One of them 
studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

--------------------------

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one 
of them jumped up and said, "I have to go back to the office - I forgot 
to lock the safe!"  The other partner replied, "What are you worried 
about?  We're both here."

--------------------------

Two boys were walking in the woods when one boy spied a nut on the 
ground.  When the other boy picked it up, they started to argue.
One boy said, "The nut is mine, I saw it first."  The other boy said, 
"The nut is mine, I have it in my possession."  They were just about 
to fight when, luckily, along came a lawyer.  The boys appealed to the 
lawyer to adjudicate their dispute.  The lawyer thanked the boys for 
the opportunity and said, "I will settle your dispute this way.  
Because you saw the nut first, I will give you this half.  Because 
you had the nut in your possession, I will give you this half.  And, 
for my fee, I'll keep the meat."

--------------------------

A man went to a lawyer for a defense after he had been caught 
embezzling millions from his employer.  He was concerned about 
going to jail, but was told by the attorney, "Don't worry - 
you'll never go to jail with all that money."  The lawyer was 
right. When the man went to prison, he didn't have a dime.

--------------------------

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a 
luxury cruise ship.  In a deck chair, he recognized a former 
high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.  
He crossed the deck, seized his friend's hand, and said, 
'Hello, Pete.  I haven't seen you in years.  What are you doing 
these days?"  "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete.  "But don't 
tell my mother.  She thinks I'm still a pimp."

--------------------------

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.  
Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.  
"Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.  
"You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."   

--------------------------

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in 
his attorney's office as he went over his new will.  "Your 
estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure 
that all of your wishes will be executed.  Because of the 
complexity of your case, my fee will be $4500."  At that point, 
the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call.  
The client, thinking that the lawyer had said "$500," wrote 
out a check for that amount and left.  When the lawyer saw the 
check, he ran out of the building, only to see the client's 
car disappearing in traffic.  "Oh, well," thought the lawyer, 
"$500 for one hour's work isn't bad."  

--------------------------

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to 
the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"  He answered, 
"no."  The next question, intended for people who had answered 
in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?"  The lawyer 
answered it anyway: "Never got caught."  

--------------------------

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were 
comparing notes on recent burglaries.  "Didja get anything 
on that last heist?" Jack asked. "Nuttin' at all," Mugs 
admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer." 
 "Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.  
"Didja lose anything?"

--------------------------

Have you seen the current remake of the movie 
"Cape Fear?"  It's about a deranged psychotic who 
is seeking revenge against a lawyer.  The question 
is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

--------------------------

What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?
     1. How much money do you have?
     2. Where can you get more?
     3. Do you have anything you can sell?

--------------------------

Q:   How many lawyer jokes are there?
A:   Only three.  The balance are documented case histories.  

--------------------------

An elementary-school teacher heard children wailing and 
crying and rushed to the playground to see what was wrong.  
There, she found Marc, Chuck, and Laura, the latter crying 
furiously.  When she asked what had happened, Marc told her, 
"Chuck took Laura's orange.  Then she hit him on the head and 
called him several dirty names, and he kicked her in the 
stomach."  The teacher replied, "Well, then, we'll all have 
to go to the principal's office.  Where is the orange now?"  
Marc smiled and produced the orange from his pocket.  
"I have the orange.  I'm Laura's lawyer."  

--------------------------

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify 
in his own defense.  "You must swear to tell the complete 
truth.  Do you understand?"  The client replied that he did.  
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you 
don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, 
"I imagine that our side will win."  

--------------------------

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked 
one of his better students, "Now if you were to give 
someone an orange, how would you go about it?"  
The student replied, "Here's an orange."  
The professor was livid.  "No! No!  Think like a lawyer!"  
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give 
and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, 
rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said 
orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, 
and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, 
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with 
and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein 
before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of 
whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise 
notwithstanding..."

--------------------------

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, 
the attorney rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that 
the case be reopened.  He said that he had new evidence that 
made a huge difference in his defense.  "What new evidence 
could you have?" said the judge.  The attorney replied, 
"My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"  

--------------------------

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be 
appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.  
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the 
defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal 
advice you can."  After a time, Taylor re-entered the 
courtroom alone.  When the judge asked where the defendant 
had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good 
advice.  I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I 
told him to split."  

--------------------------

Mr. Wilson was the chairman of the United Way, which 
had never received a donation from the most successful 
lawyer in town.  He called on the attorney in an attempt 
to make him mend his ways.  "Our research shows that you 
made a profit of over $600,000 last year, and yet you 
have not given a dime to the community charities!  What 
do you have to say for yourself?"  The lawyer replied, 
"Do you know that my mother is dying of a long illness, 
and has medical bills that are several times her annual 
income?  Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, 
who is blind and in a wheelchair?  Do you know about my 
sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving 
her with three children?"  The charity solicitor admitted 
that he had no knowledge of any of this.  
"Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  







              A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING
                AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS

  We,  the  public,  believe that grave  necessity  requires  the 
following  emergency  measures  be  immediately  enacted  by  our 
legislature.

372.01.  Any person with a valid Texas state rodent or  armadillo 
     hunting license may also legally hunt and harvest practicing 
     attorneys  for  recreational and  sporting  (non-commercial) 
     purposes.
372.02.  Taking of attorneys using United States currency as bait 
     is expressly prohibited.  Traps, deadfalls and strong spring 
     jawed devices are permitted however.
372.03.  The willful killing of practicing attorneys with a motor 
     vehicle  is prohibited unless such vehicle is  an  ambulance 
     being  driven in reverse.  Note that if this method is  used 
     the  bag limit (Sec 372.10) may be  inadvertently  exceeded.  
     No  penalty  shall be levied for a single incident.   If  an 
     attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle following 
     too  closely  behind  an ambulance, the  attorney  shall  be 
     removed  to  the  roadside and the  vehicle  should  proceed 
     immediately  to  the nearest car wash  to  remove  snake-oil 
     residue which can cause permanent stains.
372.04.   It is unlawful to chase, herd, muster or  harvest  attorneys 
     from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
372.05.   It  is unlawful to shout  "WHIPLASH,"  "AMBULANCE,"  OR 
     "FREE SCOTCH" in the vicinity of an attorney if the call  is 
     being  made  for the sole purpose of luring  and  entrapping 
     said attorney.
372.06.  It is unlawful to hunt attorneys during daylight hours within 
     one  hundred  (100) meters of a BMW,  Mercedes,  or  Porsche 
     dealership  excepting Wednesdays (or any day containing  the 
     letter "Y").
372.07.   It  is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two  hundred  (200) 
     meters  of  court rooms, law libraries, country  clubs,  tow 
     truck  or  ambulance  dispatch yards, any  facility  in  the 
     business  of  manufacturing  or  repairing  aircraft,  Naval 
     aviator  reunions, hospital emergency rooms or  other  known 
     attorney feeding places.
372.08.   If an attorney gains elected office, it is not necessary  to 
     have  a  license to hunt, trap, or possess  same.   Sections 
     372.01 through 372.07 are also waived for this provision.
372.09.   It  is unlawful for a hunter to wear a  disguise  as  a 
     reporter,  accident  victim,  physician,  chiropractor,  tax 
     accountant  or  FAA  employee for  the  purpose  of  hunting 
     attorneys.
371.10.  Standard Daily Bag Limits:
     Yellow bellied sidewinders         2
     Two Faced tortfeesors              2
     Specialty Divorce Litigators       762
     Horn rimmed contingency thugs      no limit, $1,000 bounty
     government Attorneys:
                         IRS       no limit
                         FAA       no limit, $2,000 cash bounty