From: (ben.parsley@juno.comSMTP) Subject: The Scottish Student

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whiskey).

"How do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kids all hate me!!" was the answer.

"Son, those aren't good will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all ...You are the Principal."

Joke Submission by: Kamaka Brown

An elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.

He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife, Mary, was busily baking cookies.

With his last remaining strength, he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favourite kind, Mary suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he faintly whispered, "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," Mary replied.

Joke Submission by: Greta

Sayings to Live By.....

I don't get even, I get odd.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

The world won't end today....It's already tomorrow in Australia.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

More sayings to live by

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it's just the reverse.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

Joke Submission by: Thecloak