Humorlist for Wed May 3 2000

Always Look @ the Bright Side!

A man wakes up in the hospital to find his doctor looking down on him and soon the doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we were forced to amputate both your legs."

The man, after regaining his composure, then asks, "What on earth is the good news?"

With a slight smile, the doctor replies, "The man in the next bed wants to buy your slippers!"

From: "Lavaty, Katherine M."

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.

Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty. A priest watches & then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine the nerve of this guy? This guy is trying to tell us how to run our business."

From: (Ronald Dysvick)

Plan for the Future....

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."


Doesn't Miss a Trick

Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman chuckled and said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

From: Ben A Parsley []
Subject: To the point

The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"

"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"

Subject: no sleep

I ran into Joe at the coffee shop this morning. He really looked worn out so I asked him, "Have a bad night, Joe?"

"Did I ever! Didn't get any sleep to speak of. There was this woman who kept knocking on my door. Yelling at her didn't have any affect. I threatened her with everything I could think of, but she just kept it up."

"What did you do? Call the police?"

"No, that wouldn't have done any good. Finally about 4:00 I got up and let her out."

From: (Ronald Dysvick)

The Town Gossip

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic, because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar. George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

From: (Ronald Dysvick)

Keep It Our Secret?

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.