Humorlist for Mon Apr 24 2000

From: (Luke Pascoe)

Whilst watching the idiot box yesterday, there was a show about some DNA program being run. Bill Gates had invested $5 million into it, so they interviewed him and he responded as such:

"We should be able to debug DNA the same way we debug software."

Be afraid.


Cynic's Dictionary

X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs.

GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo.

DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere.


You'll Never Hear Your Consultant Say Things Like...

.. Yes, you're right; we're billing way too much for this.

.. Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added."

.. How about paying us based on the results and success of the project?

.. This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read,
let's see guess it was about five years ago. . .

.. Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do.

.. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

.. Implementation? Quantified? I only care about writing long reports.

.. I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department who
had the idea. . .

.. The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.

.. Everything looks great to me. Keep doing what you're doing!


Look on the Bright Side

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," wheezed a second.

"And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember 'em too," said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the foursome at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Oh my friends, just be thankful we're still on this side of the grass!"

From: "Dana Burkinshaw"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.