Humorlist for Thu Mar 30 2000

From: (Jim O'Malley)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Attention, attention...

A reporter at the Pope's Mass for Youth at the Sea of Galilee likened the kids who camped out the night before to a 'spiritual Woodstock'. Of course, that brought to mind a voice saying, "Attention: avoid the purple sacramental wafers...."

US Tourists

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered..... "I'll give you 100 camels for her." The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

Joke Submission by: Ambreen

From: (Seals)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: The bacon tree

These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.

On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.

Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing.

"Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?"

And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree. Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.

The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."

From: (Ronald Dysvick)


There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"