Humorlist for Thu Oct 28 1999

From: Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Jesse Ventura has been widely quoted in his Playboy magazine interview saying that "religion is a sham... and a crutch for the weak minded."

And professional wrestling is... what?

From: []

Q: Why do they call the condition PMS? A: Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

From: "Craig Malwitz" <>

Efficiency Expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

From: David Cahlander

The Irish man

An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"How did you know?" he asks.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

From: (Ronald Dysvick)

Staying On the Job

Freddie was unemployed for several months but got a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The boss informs him he is on probation and that he must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to stay on the job. Freddie agrees to the conditions and starts the next day.

The boss checks and finds out Freddie finished 3.5 miles his first day out... "Great," he thought, "this guy will work out."

The next day he finds Freddie only did 2 miles but the boss figured, "Well he is still at the average and I don't want him to get discouraged. We'll see how it goes tomorrow."

The third day however the man only did one mile and now the boss thought, "I need to talk to him."

The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Freddie, you were doing great, the first day you did 3.5 miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure, anything keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"

Freddie looked at the ground, obviously troubled ... then replied, "Well boss, I keep getting farther and farther from the bucket."