"The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding His Wife"

wifespeak                English
* You want              <=>  You want
* We need               <=>  I want
* It's your decision    <=>  The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want      <=>  You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk       <=>  I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead      <=>  I don't want you to.
* I'm hungry            <=> (a) Make me something to eat
                            (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together
                                your last $$, and go drive across town
                                and get me something to eat. ... I don't
                                care if what you are doing is important.
* I'm not upset         <=>  Of course I'm upset,you moron.
* You're ... so manly   <=>  You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly      <=>  Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight.
* I'm not emotional!    <=>  I'm having my period.
  And I'm not
* Be romantic, turn     <=>  I have flabby thighs.
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so    <=>  I want a new house. 
* The car is empty      <=>  Go fill it up
* The trash is full     <=>  Take it out
* The dog is barking    <=>  Go outside in your underwear and see what is
* I want new curtains   <=>  and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes  <=>  the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there<=>  NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise       <=>  I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me?       <=>  I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love  <=>  I did something today you're really not going to
  me?                        like.
* I'll be ready in      <=>  Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
     a minute.
* Is my butt fat?       <=>  Tell me I'm beautiful.
* You have to learn     <=>  Just agree with me.
  to communicate.
* Are you listening     <=>  [Too late, your dead.]
  to me!?
* Yes                   <=>  No
* No                    <=>  No
* Maybe                 <=>  No
* I'm sorry.            <=>  You'll be sorry.
* Do you like this      <=>  It's easy to fix,
  recipe?                    so you'd better get used to it.
* Was that the baby ?   <=>  Why don't you get out of bed and
                             walk him until he goes to sleep.
* I'm not yelling!      <=>  Yes I am yelling because
                             I think this is important.
* All we're going to    <=>  It goes without saying that we're stopping
  buy is s soap dish         at the cosmetics department, the shoe
                             department, I need to look at a few
                             new pocket books, and OH LOOK there's a
                             sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these
                             pink sheets look great in the bedroom
                             and did you bring your checkbook?

 in answer to "What's wrong?" 

  --The same old thing. <=>  Nothing.
  --Nothing.            <=>  Everything.
  --Everything.         <=>  My PMS is acting up.
  --Nothing, really.    <=>  It's just that you're such an jerk.
  --I don't want to     <=>  Go away, I'm still building up steam.
    talk about it.