From: LeClub International 


Sex is not the answer.Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
                                -Swami X

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.Biochemistry is 
the study of carbon compounds that crawl.       -Mike Adams

Review Question:If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start),
four beers the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans
in a pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King Tut's?
When will it fall on him?Will he notice? 

Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.                -Ingmar Bergman

The inventor of the first successful time machine will also most likely
be the first person ever to see his invention used by someone who will
then go on to invent it first.Or something like that.           -Me (DQ)

It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater.The clown came 
out to inform the public.They thought it was just a jest and 
applauded.He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder.  So I 
think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
wits, who believe that it is a joke.

Insanity is the final defense.It's hard to get a refund when the 
salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.

I've found my niche.If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 
this little hole in the bottom...               -John Croll

Well, if you do not wish death, how about a rubber chicken?
                                -Beaker (muppet), as Angel of Death

No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration
is still the sincerest form of flattery.

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
                                                -R. S. Barton

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.Instead 
of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit
their views... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of
the facts that needs altering.                  -Doctor Who

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?It is 
because we are not the person involved.         -Mark Twain

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.            -Dykstra

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a
tune.                                   -Woody Allen

Man, n.:An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.His chief occupation 
is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however,
multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable
earth and Canada.               -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

You might as well be dead, he said
If you're afraid to fall.               -Throwing Muses
[shouldn't this be fail? -jlf]

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.     -John O'Hara

Boy, n.:a noise with dirt on it.

Consider all the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote
for Hubert Humphrey.They showed Humphrey.  Those people who taught
Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court
when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
black.                                  -Russel Baker

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools
to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it.
So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in
check.And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course.
                                        -Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.

Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
                                        -William Gilbert

A chicken is only an egg's way of making another egg.

Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.

Everyone is a genius.It's just that some people are too stupid to 
realize it.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
                                -Mark Twain

Life is too important to take seriously.        -Corky Seigel

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
                                -Abraham Lincoln

I've gone to look for myself.If I should get back before I return, keep 
me here.                        -Bill the Cat

Remember, drive defensively!And of course, the best defense is a good 

Bureaucrat, n.:A person who cuts red tape sideways.     -J. McCabe

The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often.

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
                                -Josh Billings

If God lived on earth, people would knock out all His windows.
                                -Yiddish saying

May the sun shine freely on the shadows that follow you home.

The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away, but I will walk
carefully.                      -Russian proverb

Politics is like coaching a football team.You have to be smart enough 
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.

If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he has to say, and make fun
of it.                          -Thomas Carlyle

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

Goodbye, Jefferson, you'll never know how much trouble you caused.
                                -The Man Who Came To Dinner

It has been said [by Anatole France], "It is not by amusing oneself that
one learns," and, in reply: "It is ____only by amusing oneself that one
can learn."                     -Edward Kasner and James R. Newman

The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the
combination is locked up in the safe.           -Peter DeVries

An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

...But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand.Human 
intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as we
can tell.If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues that 
now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding of
their world, not in their distorted perceptions.Even the standard 
example of ancient nonsensen -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing whether
five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a finite or an
infinite number.                -S. J. Gould

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.   -R. Geis

There's no point in being grown up if you can't act childish sometimes.
                                        -Dr. Who

But since life is cruel, to you and to me, here I am.   -Umberto Eco

The superfluous is very necessary.      -Voltaire

The human brain is like a huge fish.It is flat and slimy and has gills 
through which it can see.               -Monty Python

Cesium.Rinse.  Repeat.          -Brendan Dunn

And you see it does what it's supposed to do, because physics always works.
                -Nobel prize winning physicist Sheldon Glashow, before
                blowing on an uncooperative compass

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.Depression is when you 
lose your job.These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 
but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.

OK, so we didn't learn any big lesson.Sue me.           -Calvin

You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks.        -Gary Giddens

There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read pope.                          -Oscar Wilde

Linus:I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow.  Maybe 
we should think only about today.
Charlie Brown:No, that's giving up.  I'm still hoping yesterday gets 

Whenver anyone asks me what book I would take with me to a desert island,
I reply, "The phone book: with all those characters, I could invent an
infinite number of stories."                    -Umberto Eco

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.  -Euripides

Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and
play games - but not with pleasure.             -Leo Rosten

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more
time for dreaming.              -J. P. McEvoy

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat
it, and I just hate it.         -Clarence Darrow

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is
doing it.

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

        When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified
your attitude toward him.You have given a definite answer to a definite 
problem.For better or for worse you have acted decisively.
        In a way, the next move is up to him.           -R. A. Lafferty 

Commitment, n.:
        Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

I dread success.To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on 
earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he
has succeeded in his courtship.I like a state of continual becoming, 
with a goal in front and not behind.            -George Bernard Shaw

The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and
tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will
have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor
its theories will hold water.

Give me a Plumber's Friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
to stand, and I will drain the world.

Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your

Never call a man a fool.Borrow from him.

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
person a car.

All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.                            -Alan Truscott

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.It's already 
tomorrow in Australia.                  -Charles Schultz

If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution.It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 
statecraft.Instead, read selected portions of the Washington telephone 
directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles
beginning with the word "National".     -George Will

Measure with a micrometer.Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

Insanity would be seeing the world as it is, and not as it ought to be.
                                -Don Quixote

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

I for one cannot protest the recent MTA fare hike and the accompanying
promises that this would in no way improve service.For the transit 
system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that can't be measured
in monetary terms.
Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have that
unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by subway."
Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should some day
show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly understand his long

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
                                -Phil White

Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve
people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Il faut etre leger comme l'oiseau, et non comme la plume.
(One should be light like a bird, and not like a feather.)
                                -Paul Valery

Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on humans.
                                -W. C. Fields

Mythology, n.:
        The body of a primitive peoples' beliefs concerning its origin,
early history, heroes, deities, and so forth, as distinguished from the
true accounts which it invents later.
                                -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

The planet has - or rather, had - a problem, which was this: most of the
people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.Many 
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of the were largely
concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd
because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were
unhappy.                        -Douglas Adams

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so
hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
                                -Woody Allen

Gauls!We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 
our heads tomorrow.But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!
                                -Adventures of Asterix

Speed is subsittute fo accurancy.

Molecule, n.:
        The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.It is distinguished 
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter....The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle, and the 
atom in that it is an ion.
                                -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
                                -Arthur C. Clarke

In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with
words in the proper order then why can't he?

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much
sleep.                          -Woody Allen

I am a collage of unaccounted-for brush strokes.
                                -Six Degrees of Separation

I am a happy nerd in cyberspace, where nobody can see my haircut.
                                -Dave Barry

Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
                                -Wernher von Braun

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.The goal of nature is 
to build better mice.

We are surrounded by unsurmountable opportunities.
                                -Walt Kelly, "Pogo"

One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net!How 
will it live?"The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 
I'll tell you."

A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion,
butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance
accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem,
pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently,
die gallantly.                  -Lazarus Long(Heinlein)

Paradise is just like where you are right now, only much, much better.
                                -Laurie Anderson

Life is like a simile.

The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful        -Frederick Locker-Lampson

If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make
the rubble bounce.              -Winston Churchill

Personifiers Unite!You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!

I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
                                        -Johann Wolfgang van Goethe

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
                                        -Alfred Adler

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
                                                -Paul Beatty

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".Disraeli 
replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principals or your

Life is a wave, which in no two consecutive moments of its existence is
composed of the same particles."                -John Tyndell

Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.     -Foghorn Leghorn

The rain it raitneth on the just
        And also on the unjust fella
But chiefly on the just because
        The unjust steals the just's umbrella.

Duct tape is like the force.It has a light side, and a dark side, and 
it holds the universe together...       -Carl Zwanzig

>From too much love of living,
>From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.

There are three things I always forget.Names, faces -- the third I 
can't remember.                         -Italo Svevo

The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.                 -Travis McGee

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use.
                                        -Galileo Galilei

Art is either plagarism or revolution.
                                        -Paul Gauguin

I don't know anything about music.In my line you don't have to.

Does "anal retentive" need a hyphen?

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to
compare it to.

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.       -Indian proverb

The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -Bohr

An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
people refuse to see it.                -James Michener, Space

Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
        Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be
liable to a fine of one pound.Any animal leading a blind person shall 
be deemed to be a cat.

If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far.
                                        -Paul White

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
                                        -Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

God is really only another artist.He invented the giraffe, the 
elephant and the cat.He has no real style, He just goes on trying other 
                                        -Pablo Picasso

The world could not exist without madmen.
                                        -Moses Maimonides

Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
                                        -Henrik Tikkanen

Whatever is not nailed down is mine.What I can pry loose is not nailed 
                                        -Collis P. Huntingdon

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.

...When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind
yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and
fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools
here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them
parched for wonder.There are also those who believe that if you stick 
your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence.
                                                -Teachings of Ebenezum

What is a magician but a practicing theorist?           -Obi-Wan Kenobi

I have a simple philosophy:
        Fill what's empty.
        Empty what's full.
        Scratch where it itches.                -A. R. Longworth

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Sadomasochism means never having to say you're sorry.

It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland either.
                                -Kevin White?, mayor of Boston

If someone asks you if you are a god you say YES!

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.The question which divides 
us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.My 
own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.             -Niels Bohr

		Computer quotes collected by 
Joachim Verhagen
Department of molecular biofysics, University of Utrecht

"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home." -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society Convention, 1977

"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
computers altogether?" -- Jehan Shuman

"I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them." -- Isaac Asimov

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
		-- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
		-- Wernher von Braun

Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
		-- R. S. Barton

Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.

Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.	-- Pablo Picasso

It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical? - Alan Perlis

Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 
``user-friendly''. . . . Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 
the old brochures, and stamp the words, ``user-friendly'' on the cover.
 - Bill Gates (1955-)

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer a
Rolls Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon and
explode once a year killing everybody inside. - Robert Cringeley (InfoWorld)

From: (Timothy Y. Chow)
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs
30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh
only 1 1/2 tons.                               ---Popular Mechanics, March 1949

The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
be general systems laws.  For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
guaranteed thereby not to be a science.  He would cite as examples
Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
Science, Social Science, and Computer Science.  Discuss the generality
of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
power.  -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems

From owner-tftd-l@TAMVM1.TAMU.EDU Fri Dec 15 06:01 CST 1995

     What would I have done differently in my 20s and 30s
     if I had known then what I know now? For one thing,
     I would have laughed more; seen more Laurel and Hardy movies.
     And I would have grieved less.  I would have understood
     earlier that not all losses are permanent and that some
     things lost were not worth keeping.
     I would have taken more time to note the changing seasons.
     ("Can you believe it?" an elderly friend asked me one spring day.
     "Can you believe that even if I live to be a hundred, I will
     see all this only 100 times?")
     I would have been more daring.  Emotionally daring, that is;
     in the spirit of Eudora Welty's observation that
     "all serious daring starts from within."
     I would have understood sooner how profoundly satisfying
     the ordinary transactions of daily life can be:
     the perfect cup of morning coffee; the son shouting down
     "good night!" from his room; the ginger-colored cat
     caught napping in a triangle of sunlight.
                     -Alice Steinbach, Baltimore _Sun_

Hell is paved with the skulls of priests.
			St. John Chrysostom: _De sacerdotio,_ c. 390

May the sun shine gently on your face. 
May the rain fall soft upon your fields. 
May the wind be at your back. 
May the road rise to meet you. 
May the Lord hold you in the hollow of his hand. 
Until we meet again.